My List of Stupid Things I Do Right Before Having a Baby:

Oh, we're getting down to the wire over here. The waddling has commenced. The patience has worn thin.

The baby feels like he's trying to suffocate my lungs from the inside.

All of this is happening. Labor is not.

But, do not fret, because I have compiled my list of stupid things I tend to do right before having a baby. It's a doozy. And hopefully will make you all feel smarter and better about yourselves at my expense! That's why I'm here, people!

You're welcome.

#1. Ignore everything they teach you in Lamaze class. I was told to compile a list of soothing, calm, classical music to help empower me through a hopefully natural and pain-filled labor (< that should probably be #1 on this list, actually). And then I was like, "Sorry, Ludwig, but Symphony no. 5 isn't going to cut it." My list, recently completed, is jam packed with Macklemore, Lorde and Miley and I'm not sorry about that, yo.

But is it weird that I feel super empowered and ready to conquer life when I listen to Thrift Shop or White Walls?

It is? Ok, but you have to admit that Wrecking Ball is uncomfortably appropriate for childbirth, right?


#2. Become a hopeless optimist. Last night I bought three(!) pairs of size 2(!) J. Crew short-shorts. To wear. This summer. Which means I better stop eating so many peanut butter cookies and hot dogs....like, now. (This is not a new development in my life. Weeks before having Isla I bought 2 bikinis. For swimming in. I live in a land-locked state with unbelievably questionable swimming pool facilities.)

#3. Start saying stupid things to people. The big question thrown at me these days is, when am I due? And I should say, "in 4 weeks." Done. Instead I go on about how really it could be ANY day now. Or maybe next week! But soon!...

Guess what I'm doing to myself? I'm jinxing myself to have a baby at 44 weeks. Or in a year.

#4. Forgetting that I'm actually pregnant at all. Last week I planned to take both the kids ice skating. By myself. Which would have been a dumb idea if I weren't bursting at the seams. But I don't even think they let people like me even GO ice skating. And then I was surprised and bummed out.

#5. Beautifying. Remember when I fried my bangs off while attempting to beautify before Isla? Did I ever mention how I chopped half of my bangs off weeks before having Finn? Well now I've got a burn mark that looks suspiciously like a hickey on my neck from trying to learn how to curl my hair. Because apparently now is the time to start experimenting with tools I've never used before in my life.

#6. Writing this instead of my grad school papers...

That's it guys. Don't worry, these aren't my only pregnancy faux pas...I do stupid things everyday (I ran a mile the other day and I think my kneecaps fell off).

But I've got this girl to cheer me on!

And this boy!

With a bruise on his forehead from (yes, really) falling out of THIS new stroller!

But he can still write his name! Twice!