My List of Stupid Things I Do Right Before Having a Baby:

Oh, we're getting down to the wire over here. The waddling has commenced. The patience has worn thin.

The baby feels like he's trying to suffocate my lungs from the inside.

All of this is happening. Labor is not.

But, do not fret, because I have compiled my list of stupid things I tend to do right before having a baby. It's a doozy. And hopefully will make you all feel smarter and better about yourselves at my expense! That's why I'm here, people!

You're welcome.

#1. Ignore everything they teach you in Lamaze class. I was told to compile a list of soothing, calm, classical music to help empower me through a hopefully natural and pain-filled labor (< that should probably be #1 on this list, actually). And then I was like, "Sorry, Ludwig, but Symphony no. 5 isn't going to cut it." My list, recently completed, is jam packed with Macklemore, Lorde and Miley and I'm not sorry about that, yo.

But is it weird that I feel super empowered and ready to conquer life when I listen to Thrift Shop or White Walls?

It is? Ok, but you have to admit that Wrecking Ball is uncomfortably appropriate for childbirth, right?


#2. Become a hopeless optimist. Last night I bought three(!) pairs of size 2(!) J. Crew short-shorts. To wear. This summer. Which means I better stop eating so many peanut butter cookies and hot dogs....like, now. (This is not a new development in my life. Weeks before having Isla I bought 2 bikinis. For swimming in. I live in a land-locked state with unbelievably questionable swimming pool facilities.)

#3. Start saying stupid things to people. The big question thrown at me these days is, when am I due? And I should say, "in 4 weeks." Done. Instead I go on about how really it could be ANY day now. Or maybe next week! But soon!...

Guess what I'm doing to myself? I'm jinxing myself to have a baby at 44 weeks. Or in a year.

#4. Forgetting that I'm actually pregnant at all. Last week I planned to take both the kids ice skating. By myself. Which would have been a dumb idea if I weren't bursting at the seams. But I don't even think they let people like me even GO ice skating. And then I was surprised and bummed out.

#5. Beautifying. Remember when I fried my bangs off while attempting to beautify before Isla? Did I ever mention how I chopped half of my bangs off weeks before having Finn? Well now I've got a burn mark that looks suspiciously like a hickey on my neck from trying to learn how to curl my hair. Because apparently now is the time to start experimenting with tools I've never used before in my life.

#6. Writing this instead of my grad school papers...

That's it guys. Don't worry, these aren't my only pregnancy faux pas...I do stupid things everyday (I ran a mile the other day and I think my kneecaps fell off).

But I've got this girl to cheer me on!

And this boy!

With a bruise on his forehead from (yes, really) falling out of THIS new stroller!

But he can still write his name! Twice!

Well, I Guess It's Time To Talk About This Baby...

Other potential titles for this post included:

Hot Dogs: An Obsession, Why I Bought Sweatpants From Wal-Mart, That One Time Varicose Veins Made Me Feel Super Sexy...

...the list goes on.

Oy. This baby. Let me give you some details. Maladies first! Because those are the most interesting...

So this dude is NOT curled up in a nice little ball like Isla was...which means I've got a mass of baby legs constantly hanging out by my lungs. Which means that eating, laying down and basically existing makes me wheeze.

Wheezing. Super attractive, non?

I have also been fighting conflicting urges to never eat anything ever again (there is also a mass of baby legs jamming into my stomach area) and to eat a lot of really weird things...I was pretty happily mostly vegetarian before this boy rolled into town...today I drove 20 minutes to get a hot dog. By myself. And I'd already eaten lunch.

Seriously.

Sometimes he kicks and/or punches me in internal organs that ummm...I don't know what they are, where they are or what they do...but by the level of pain inflicted, I'm guessing they're important.

Spleen, maybe? Where is one's spleen? Do I need it? Can it be broken?

And last but not least, I've got varicose veins running down my leg (yep, just one leg), which make it look like I've been bitten by a poisonous monster and the venom is spreading. When I asked why this is happening, the nurse assured me it is because my body is just giving up on life after being pregnant for basically the last 3 years but should return to normal STAT.

I don't know what STAT stands for.

But on the plus side (and there are many!), I am super ready to meet this boy. He's got a name picked out, a closet full of his brother's adorable clothes, a bed, and lots of blankets that I can't stop making. I'm really quite excited.

Finn is excited too.

Isla is not in the loop yet.  (I feel bad for her. I feel as though I need to sit down and explain that she is about to become the dreaded middle child and she and her middle-child-father should set up a support group)

I even packed my hospital bag. Cute. I know.

And finally...today I went over my 20 weeks ultrasound pictures just to confirm that he really is a he. For now, we're all still pretty positive that there is a boy chilling out in my uterus.

Other things:

Number of times someone has said the following when I'm out with the kids, "Oh bless your heart.", "You don't look old enough to have 3 kids!" or "How will you ever manage?!": About 20. Apparently the world has no confidence in me.

Here I am, still going to grad school and all that business, at 35ish weeks!

 Luke always candid shoots me looking ridiculous...

That picture is a little misleading in the belly-department. Sigh. Here is a more accurate representation:

I love hot dogs.